Why?

Isn't it incredible how people can actually believe in God for years and years, maybe most of them never feeling him, but still they believe. I wish I could have faith to believe in him like others do, but I just guess it wasn't meant to be. I hate everything about my life right now, just this morning I was thinking about posting a little something called "Love in Autumn" now I just want to die. What's the point of posting anyway, I do find that I relieve my feelings here but seriously why do I post if my feelings are to complex for me to understand anymore. I want to be with Michelle and I want to feel that I'm never going to leave her side, but I can't, I wish I could just show up at her house and call out to her and have her just rush out into my arms, and maybe for just that moment that we're together just forget all the problems in the world, usually I hate watching those infomerciales about adopting some kid from a third world country, cause I hate that I know that I'm lucky to have all I have today. I find it's true that when you have a lot of things you usually tend to want more things, well I admit it, I'm not satisfied, I feel I have all these problems and all my life is falling apart. With no sense of success just the terrible taste of my failure to someone I could love all my life."Life is bitch", I used to say, and I guess that I said that to escape that fact that I have to face life head on, but why does it have to hurt so much where you think it'll never hurt. I've lost two brothers by my mom's miscarriage, I've gone to trial for agravation, I've been sexually molested, abused physically, insulted by everyone I've ever known, spit in the face by those I've looked up to, but seriously do I have to suffer more? I have considered God to be a bastard more than once, maybe I haven't gotten to that point yet at this very moment but soon enough I'll get there. Hey Harper and Anna, thaks for your advice when I most needed it, but I don't suppose you have something to help me now, do you? This love I feel for Michelle is never ending, but why did I have to go so far away? Why God? Why is it that I always ending up hurting myself? When can I just sit down calmly and just look at the stars and just say, "God, you are beautiful", when will I feel that my life isn't torn between what I know I should do, and what my heart wants to do? My heart is broken in two right now, between wanting to feel I finally proven my dad wrong, from when he said that I can't graduate from College cause I'm to distracted, and Michelle, to whom I wish to be with for the rest of my life. The hardest thing about posting this is to not cry, yes, cry. I'm seventeen years old, going on eighteen, supposedely a grown man so says my grandfather, and yes I do cry, cause I'm not afraid to show what I feel in tears. I hate this, I'm at the University right now and there are so many people here, could maybe just one understand what I'm feeling. If I were to die right now I would be the most hurt soul in hell, or heaven, you never know. But I just want to see myself out of this situation. If any one has any advice or maybe a gun to lend me, please...you know the rest. Michelle, I love you not caring about the distance, or the cruelty of life, this is our time to shine, so lets shine on, so what if we fade away and die off, it's just life there's nothing to loose but your heart and will to strive for a better life. Oh wait! can't shine on, don't have any of that anymore, so I guess I'll just die off once more...